The adventures of Winnie the Poop and his friends
by starcrest
Summary: Well, it's a parody. Don't read if you are easily offended by death and demorilization of Winnie the Pooh. Don't read if you especially like/love Winnie the Pooh.


This is a parody of Winnie the Pooh. This is not suitable for anyone under the ages of 13, or anyone who likes Winnie the Pooh to the extent to flame me about this.  
  
Disclaimer: Winnie the Pooh does not belong to me, nor do any of the characters. If they did, you should be very afraid. Be veeeeery afraid. The poems and theme songs, however, do belong to me. That means I sat down and made them myself out of the top of my head, which explains why they are so corny. Don't steal, please. And if you want to use them, give me credit, or be destroyed… er, be very aware of the serious consequences.  
  
Cast:  
  
Narrator  
  
Christopher Hobgoblin (Chris)  
  
His mother, "Mom" (Mom)  
  
Winnie the Poop (Poop)  
  
Tiger  
  
Donkey  
  
Rabbit  
  
Pig  
  
Seagull  
  
Skwir, and her son, Elle, {they are giant rats}  
  
The Hepl-humps and Boozels  
  
  
  
  
  
(The show begins with some cheap midi music, in the tune of the Winnie the Pooh theme song. A series of pictures begin to play as the music goes on. Suddenly, someone starts singing.)  
  
Gotta get up,  
  
I gotta get going,  
  
I'm gonna make a friend of mine.  
  
He's big and he's stinky,  
  
Likes to touch at my winkie,  
  
Oh,  
  
Poo there,  
  
I took a poo there.  
  
I'll give it to you,  
  
Oh, won't you take it please?  
  
Poo there,  
  
I know it's out there.  
  
I'll give it to you,  
  
Silly me,  
  
I took a poo!  
  
  
  
(*Music suddenly stops and scene changes to a bunch of cardboard cutout trees. Among these trees, is a rather large, pretty house. This is Christopher Hobgoblin's house, where he resides with his mother, Mom*)  
  
Narrator: Here, in the three-acre woods, there is a pretty house that sits there. This is where a schizophrenic little boy with ADD resides with his psychopath mother. That little boy's name is Christopher Hobgoblin.  
  
(*A little boy with a bulging eye runs out of the house with a Barbie doll and begins to play with it. Eventually, after a few minutes, he gets bored and tosses the Barbie aside, and begins looking for something else to torture*)  
  
Narrator: Now, many people wonder why Christopher is the messed up kid he is. (*As the narrator is talking, Chris gets hold of a squirrel, and lights it on fire *) Well, the answer is this: Christopher's father was a deadbeat dad and left his pregnant wife the day she'd conceived Christopher, which is why we never see him. Thus, resulting in Christopher's schizophrenia and ADD. He got his bulgy eye from playing with bees, and it sorta stuck that way. (This is what happens when dads leave their kids. I mean, take a look at Mareimeia for example.) (*Squirrel is almost burnt to a crisp as Chris finds another squirrel and feeds it chocolate, and it explodes*)  
  
Chris: Yeah! Look at 'im goes! (*Christopher has a natural German accent, but is trying to speak with a British accent. It's really bad*)  
  
Narrator: The kids at school like to tease Chris, if he even goes to school, which we'll assume for now, and he has no friends because of his big bulgy eye. They like to make fun of him because of it, and they call him "Big bulgy eye", and "Bulgy big eye", and "ADD kid". So to make up for friends, he made friends of his own.  
  
(*Scene goes from exploding squirrel to Chris's bathroom, where he runs in and shuts the door. A few groaning noises are heard, and Chris comes out with a new teddy bear made from poopies*)  
  
Chris: I officially dub thee, "Winnie the Poop!" (*Hugs Winnie*) Now we have to go make you some friends!  
  
Narrator:  
  
So off Christopher Hobgoblin went,  
  
In search of friends for his friend made of crap,  
  
He searched hither and thither,  
  
And looked this way and that.  
  
(*Chris is running through the woods, and stumbles across a ferocious tiger bouncing on its head*)  
  
Chris: Hello, Tiger! Do you want to be our friend?  
  
Tiger: Growl. Sure. I'm gonna sing a song now. (*More cheap midi music plays in the tune of Tigger's theme song*)  
  
The wonderful thing about tigers,  
  
Is that it's a lot of fun,  
  
To eat lots of little children,  
  
And chew 'em like bubble gum.  
  
We're pouncy, pouncy,  
  
Bouncy, Bouncy,  
  
Dead, dead, dead, dead fun!  
  
The wonderful thing about tigers is…  
  
I'm the only one!  
  
(*Cheap music stops and they all search for more friends*)  
  
Narrator:  
  
And off they went in more search of friends,  
  
A boy, a tiger, and a pile poo,  
  
And they came across a donkey,  
  
In search of friends too.  
  
Chris: Hey, you jackass! Wanna be friends with us?  
  
Donkey: (*depressed*) I suppose…  
  
Chris: What's wrong, Donkey?  
  
Donkey: I hate the world. I have no house. It always falls down. What I wouldn't give for a house…  
  
Tiger: How 'bout yer right arm? (*Eats Donkey's right arm*)  
  
Donkey: (*depressed even more*) I guess it was inevitable… Now I have no house or right arm. (*Tiger eats the rest of Donkey's legs*)  
  
Tiger: Now you got nuthin'! (*Laughs*)  
  
(*They continue n after Tiger completely devours Donkey*)  
  
Narrator:  
  
And they continued on their journey,  
  
With hopes of getting through unharmed,  
  
When they found a little piggy,  
  
In a pen on a farm.  
  
(*Chris lets the piggy go free*)  
  
Chris: Hey, piggy, piggy, will you be our friend?  
  
Pig: Oink, Oink. But I'm such a very small animal. What use am I to you?  
  
Tiger: I could eat you for a snack, but that jackass back there filled me up pretty good. Lucky you.  
  
Pig: Okay, then.  
  
Poop: You can be my best friend!  
  
Chris: You can talk!  
  
Poop: Only in your imagination, Christopher. I am your best friend too.  
  
Chris: Oh, golly gee! I've always wanted to talk to magical poop!  
  
Pig: Me too!  
  
Tiger: … (*Belches*)  
  
Narrator:  
  
In a garden full of veggies,  
  
Our friends found a hare,  
  
Setting up various traps  
  
For the bugs he wanted to snare.  
  
(*They walk even more and come across a rabbit gardening. Tiger instinctively pounces on Rabbit*)  
  
Rabbit: Get off me you big buffoon!  
  
Tiger: Baboon? I'm a tiger! (*Gets off and sits next to Rabbit, who is now dusting himself off*)  
  
Rabbit: Who are you people?  
  
Chris: I'm Christopher Hobgoblin. (*Shows Rabbit Winnie the Poop*) this is my friend, Winnie the Poop.  
  
Tiger: I'm tiger.  
  
Pig: And I'm Pig. I'm a very small animal.  
  
Rabbit: I'm rabbit. What do you people want?  
  
Chris: I want to be friends with you. Will you be our friend?  
  
Rabbit: If I tell you yes, will you go away?  
  
Chris: Possibly.  
  
Narrator:  
  
After many minutes of walking,  
  
Tiger ran into a tree,  
  
And Christopher looked up with his big bulgy eye  
  
That got stung numerous times by a bee.  
  
Above them lurked a creepy house,  
  
The front door covered in skulls,  
  
And down from that God-awful place  
  
Came a flock of mental sea gulls.  
  
(*Chris and the rest of the gang are attacked by a flock of mental seagulls, and they run away. One snatches up pig and Tiger eats the one that got pig. Pig is dropped and they catch up with Christopher and the gang*)  
  
Chris: I think they like us!  
  
Rabbit: …  
  
Tiger: (*chewing on one*) I think I like them.  
  
Pig: I'm such a small animal! That's why I was taken up so easily. Oh, Woe is me!  
  
Poop: (*Missing and ear*) I think this calls for a little revenge.  
  
Narrator:  
  
And with a vengeance they walked back to Christopher's house,  
  
And returned with a box that started to smell;  
  
That box was full of laxatives,  
  
To blow those seagulls to hell. [1]  
  
(*The seagulls attack them again, and this time, they throw the laxatives up and the seagulls eat them. They pull on their raincoats and watch as every seagull that ate the laxative explodes. There is one left*)  
  
Chris: Now hat you are the only one left, you must be lonely. Do you want to be our friend?  
  
Seagull: Not like I have anything better to do.  
  
Poop: Yay! (*Finds his ear and picks it out of the stomach of a seagull*) My ear! I can hear again!  
  
Rabbit: Look at this mess! I have to clean up every bit of this!  
  
Pig: That outta teach those bastards to mess with me… a very small animal!  
  
Tiger: (*starts eating remains of all the seagulls*)I still like 'em. We should do this more often.  
  
  
  
(*Scene changes to Christopher's room, where everybody is playing with Barbie Dolls*)  
  
Poop: Do you guys know what my favorite thing to eat is?  
  
All: What?  
  
Poop: Honey!  
  
Chris: Really? Let's get you some!  
  
(*All run downstairs into the kitchen and rummage through the fridge. Christopher's mother comes in and screams*)  
  
Mom: Christopher Hobgoblin, what are you doing playing with that pile of crap?!  
  
Chris: But it's not just any pile of crap, mom, it's a magical pile of crap!  
  
Mom: Christopher Hobgoblin, how many times have I told you not to play with feces?  
  
Chris: But mom, he can talk, really!  
  
Mom: Oh, yeah? Let's see. (*waits patiently*)  
  
Chris: Okay, Poop, tell mom that you are magical! (*Shows Mom the pile of poo. It does not move*)  
  
Mom: I'm waiting, young man!  
  
Chris: (*begging*) Please, Poop! You have to talk! You just gotta!  
  
Mom: That's it, I've had it with you, mister! You're grounded for a week!  
  
Tiger: Not if I have anything to say about it!  
  
Rabbit: Me too!  
  
(*Tiger and Rabbit attack Mom, but Mom grabs a broom and smacks Tiger and Rabbit outside*)  
  
Mom: Get out you filthy animals! (*Looks at Pig*)  
  
Pig: I'm such a very small---  
  
  
  
~The next morning~  
  
(*Chris rolls down the stairs and goes into the kitchen*)  
  
Chris: I smell bacon!  
  
Mom: Yes. And I got it for free too. -n_n-  
  
Chris: Wait a minute… AH! PIG!  
  
Mom: Shut up and eat your bacon. I had one hell of a time trying to skin that pig alive, dear, and all that hard work isn't going to waste.  
  
Chris: … okay. (*Tastes it*) Mmmm, what a tasty piggy you were, Pig!  
  
Mom: Now go to school, and remember, there is no such thing as magical poop.  
  
Chris: (*halfheartedly*) Yes, mom.  
  
(*Chris is on his way to school when Winnie the poop runs up beside him*)  
  
Poop: Hey, Christopher Hobgoblin! Do you want to play with me?  
  
Christopher: No! I'm mad at you! You didn't talk to my mom last night, you got me grounded, and Pig is dead. Why did you not say anything?  
  
Poop: My speaking to you is a figment of your imagination.  
  
Chris: Then you're not real?  
  
Poop: I'm alive in your mind, Christopher. If you believe in me, I am real.  
  
Chris: Okay! I'm going to school. Coming along?  
  
Poop: You bet!  
  
Narrator:  
  
Meanwhile, while the lady of the house was absent,  
  
The criminals went to work,  
  
Stealing all the honey  
  
Being fat little jerks.  
  
Tiger and Rabbit were angry,  
  
And wanted revenge for their eaten friend,  
  
And snuck up and Mom,  
  
And chopped off her head.  
  
They ate it with glee,  
  
Then went to confession to tell,  
  
And the priest condemned  
  
To everlasting torture in Hell.  
  
Narrator: What a fucked up world we live in.  
  
The kids at school hated Chris,  
  
And especially his friend made out of shit,  
  
So to get them back for teasing his eye,  
  
Their asses Tiger bit.  
  
(*Back at the house, Chris has snuck the gang up to his room, and they're trying to solve the mystery of the missing honey*)  
  
Poop: I know who did it!  
  
Chris: Who?  
  
Poop: It was the Hepl-humps and Boozels!  
  
Dun dun duuunnnnn…  
  
TBC…  
  
Well, it was messed up. Tune in next time to find out what the Hepl-humps and Boozels are and what they did with the honey! :3  
  
[1] It's a well-known fact that seagulls explode when they are fed laxatives. Squirrels explode when they are fed chocolate. 


End file.
